I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
