My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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