Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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