I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize