Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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