Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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