he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
