Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize