My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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