Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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