i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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