You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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