I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
