literally had 100 drinks last night.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
