If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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