I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Randomize
