I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
