her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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