Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
