should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Well I just put wine in my tea
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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