I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize