Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
