I haven't been this sober since birth.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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