how can u be prego again
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
