I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
