Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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