My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I puked a lego.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
