you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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