I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
