So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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