Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
