Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
