paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
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