a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
