Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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