not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
