Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Randomize
