oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize