dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
