Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
