I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
