getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
