Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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