my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
