In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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