Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
