history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
