if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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