apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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