Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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