Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
