i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
