On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize