i think my tv is drunk
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
