Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
