I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Im part way to drunk.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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