I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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