her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
