Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
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