I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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