he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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