rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
