I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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