my mouth tastes like poor choices
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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