the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
