you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
