the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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