just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
