im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
