is your mom at the bar?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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